Hostess is Closing and We're All Better Off

The top news stories of November 2012 to this point are:

• President Obama's re-election.
• David Petraeus sending a message to men everywhere (Don't cheat; if the head of the CIA can't get away with it, what makes you think you can?).
• Hostess is going out of business.

For Massachusetts pot smokers who supported Question 3, this has to be a huge and ill-timed blow to their upcoming munchies; a cloud with no silver lining.

I don't even remember the last time I ate a Twinkie. I'm no health food nut, but I gave up processed cake-like treats long ago, and haven't had a craving since.

But, back in the day, I was a confectionery connoisseur, consuming more than my fare share of treats that came packaged with crinkly plastic packaging and thin cardboard.

Some are better than others.

Twinkies are actually horrible. They don't have much taste. They smell better than they taste. You can actually feel your teeth rotting as you chew them. While most foods break down in your mouth as you chew, Twinkies just eventually dissolve, which could have something to do with their being 99.99999% processed sugar.

In the ealy '80s, I had a brief daliance with Suzy Q's. I remember their being so sugary that as I chewed, I could actually feel the grains of sugar in the frosting crunching between my teeth. There was more substance to Suzy Q's than Twinkies, and they actually tasted like something.

I ate Devil Dogs, though, looking back, I'm not quite sure why. The chocolate cake was chocolate in name only. They tasted like cardboard, and I had to drink about a gallon of milk just to get it down. 

The Drake's Duck was always up in the corner of the box, and I remember wondering why anyone would want to eat anything baked by a duck. Not that it stopped me.

For me, the Hostess Cupcake reigned supreme. The cake - delicate and chocolatey. The filling - delicious, and never too much, but just enough. And the frosting - oh, that frosting. Sometimes I'd peel it off, and eat the rest of the cake before saving the best for last.

I'd try to take tiny bites of the cupcakes, making them last as long as I could. That would usually last for about three bites.

I'd sometimes try to have just one in the twin-pack and save the other for later. That rarely worked. As the oldest of five kids in a house, tasty treats didn't last long, and odds of cupcake number two still being available later were slim to none.

We outgrow many things in life. I suppose I just outgrew these nutrion-free, fat-producing mounds of deliciousness. I met the news of Hostess going out of business with indifference. I just feel for the people losing their jobs more than anything else.

But it makes me wonder, will I outgrow things I enjoy now? In 20 years, will I look back and say, "Ah, I remember those days when I so enjoyed a pint of Guinness. I guess I just outgrew it."

I don't see that happening ever, ever in a billion years or 100 billion pints (whatever comes first), but stranger things have  happened. I can't think of any off the top of my head, but I'm sure there's something.

So, I raise a pint in memory of the Twinkie and its friends. Rest in peace, and I'm sure those produced 10 years ago will still taste fresh to someone who finds a dusty box on a back shelf 10 years from now.