What is Father’s Day?

“You’re going to be served divorce papers at work tomorrow.  And I am going to sue for sole custody of the kids.”

My stomach flipped.  How nice of my soon to be ex-wife to give me a heads up on a Sunday night at bedtime.  It was hard to blame her; we were separated and had been for years.  Our ‘plans’ to have an amicable divorce seemed to be changing.

Immediately changing attorneys, my new attorney had a reputation of being a fire breather.  And he could meet me Monday morning.

“I don’t care about anything except the kids, and will settle for nothing less that joint custody.”  “Well Mr. Kelley, in the Commonwealth that doesn’t happen often,” cited the fire breather.  “If you don’t believe you will succeed, then I have selected the wrong attorney.”  With a slight smile, the lawyer reached for the phone.

Father’s Day is a misnomer.  In fact, it is a huge misnomer.  If up to me, Father’s Day would occur whenever a child is conceived.  Being a Father is a lifetime commitment.  It’s something to be celebrated every day.

“There is no need to serve Mr. Kelley papers at his place of business.  I represent him, and you can send the papers to me.  What are the elements of the complaint?”  Suddenly the fire breather was showing some stuff, declaring who was in charge.  It was strangely reassuring.

Becoming a father is actually pretty easy and generally enjoyable.  There are really no prerequisites other than an ability to procreate and a partner.  Becoming a DAD is far more difficult, particularly with the lousy instruction guide provided with children.  It is hard to explain to people without children the range of emotions, yes the sheer excitement, enjoyment, terror, pride, and…well, all those other emotions present with children.

“So Mrs. Kelley would like to have sole custody because Mr. Kelley is an unfit parent?”

What????

“Well, Mr. Kelley is countersuing Mrs. Kelley as an unfit parent as well.  So the children will have to immediately be moved to foster care.  Will you check with your client and see if that’s her desire?”

Whoa.  What happened to the kids being non-negotiable?  All my memories of my middle and elementary school kids started flashing through my mind…the birthdays, holidays, school projects (school projects are actually teachers getting back at parents), snuggling watching cartoons, building snow forts, swimming in the lake, flying kites, playing with pets, teaching them to be good human beings….  My stomach was getting ill….where can I throw up.

“Very good, joint custody it will be.”

And with that, the more mundane parts of the divorce transaction continued, splitting up a lifetime of dreams.  My friend once said, “Nobody gets wealthy in a divorce.”  Truer words were never spoken.

Parents who skip out after that single blissful moment are enigmas to me.  You were mature enough to have sex, and then not mature enough to raise your children?  You don’t stay to teach and support them emotionally for a lifetime?  To be the benefactor of their highs, and the soft shoulder for their lows?

And yes, I understand there are many so called “non-traditional” parenting arrangements.  Anyone participating in raising a child should be able to celebrate “Father’s Day,” whether they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, whether they are a biological or “step” parent, whether they are a teacher or simply a shopkeeper making time to frame a young mind.  They say on St Patrick’s Day everyone is Irish; why can’t anyone contributing to raising a child celebrate a day, too? 

Yes, I have strong personal feelings on this and thank you for hanging in there as I spout off.  There are so many adults still struggling with the aftermath of an absentee and or abusive father….isn’t this a form of child abuse?

As I struggled with this topic, I turned to my late 20-something kids for help.  What are the characteristics of a great Father?

This started off a series of emails:

• I always picture the father being someone who goes to all the sporting events, gives you financial advice, being the provider & protector of the family.
• A good father is proud and supportive no matter what.  I agree a father should be protective.  A good father will teach his children.  Right from wrong.  Life lessons. How to deal with stress :) a good father loves and will do whatever it takes to help his kids have a better life. But I think this all goes for either parent so it will be hard not to come off as sexist! 
• A good father knows how to “boil in a bag dinners” and take his daughter’s sick hamster to the vet :)
• Or build tree houses and drive speed boats.
• Teach how to ride a bike without training wheels :)
• A good father will be patient and understanding when they buy their son a vehicle with a manual transmission and realize they weren't ready and get an automatic.
• A good father will remember to pick their kids up after the Jimmy Fund walk. Hint hint.
• A good father will remember sun screen awwww.
• Vacations in NH.
• Strip clubs.  (Ok I don't care if that hasn't happened yet.)
• Trust their children (to a point.)
• A GOOD FATHER WILL LEAD BY EXAMPLE AND NOT TEXT OR TAKE PICTURES WHILE DRIVING.
• Teach their kids the stove is hot.
• How to aerate lawns...a lawn is 90% water.

I am proud to be a father, a dad, and I love my kids everyday.

The Author

Gary Kelley has lived in Westborough since 1994. His reviews are what he would tell friends, and are not an academic analysis. You can follow him @glkelley or www.garylkelley.com